well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
