he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
