i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
