just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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