apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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