I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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