my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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