I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
