i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
