First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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