My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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