I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
