Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
