I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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