fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
