My liver just broke up with me...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
