this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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