You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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