nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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