I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
