why didn't you poke me back
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
