I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
