my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
