I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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