The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize