burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's the barista slut.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
