ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
