dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
