i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize