There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
