I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
