Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i love accidental penises.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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