Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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