I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
