You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
