nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
