I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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