forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
