Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
