The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
