Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
