Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
