On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
