I smell stomach acid.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
