a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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