Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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