Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
