Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
