why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
