and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
