I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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