he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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