you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
