I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
