he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
