there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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