Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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