Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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