That's when you crack a 10am beer
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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