your thong is hanging out like whoa
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
You kept saying ākekeā over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case youāre wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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