eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There r osticjed everywhere
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
